Wednesday, January 09, 2008

A talk with Dr. Phil about my issue

I thought I might get a little perspective from an uninterested third party. So after much thought, I called Dr. Phil.

His staff must have been pretty busy keeping Brit the Twit under wraps, because Dr. Phil answered the phone on the first ring. He sounded very angry. There was a lot of screaming and what sounded like a cat was either in heat or fighting for its life in the background.

I asked Gr. Phil if he had a moment. He said yes and asked if I could hurry this process up, as he was a tad busy.

I told him I needed some quick advice, since my wife and some of my comrades in the blog world feel I might have developed a Man Crush on Maurice Jones-Drew.

Dr. Phil’s answer was "What in the #&ck are you talking about?!? Who is this Jones-Drew?"

I was shocked to hear that the good doctor did not know who MoJo was, and that he was talking like this on the phone. He then explained that Mini Dr. Phil was trying to kill and eat his wife's pussycat "Muffy." I told him that his problem seemed like a much bigger problem than mine and I asked if I should I call back.

Once again, Dr. Phil bellowed out a cursed-filled diatribe at someone in the background. I then heard a sound similar to a shotgun in the background.

Then, sounding a little out of breath, Dr. Phil asked me if I was related to Britney Spears, Sean Penn, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton or K-Fed.

I replied in the negative.

Dr. Phil also explained that he could not spare any TV time. I thanked him because I don't do TV. He also said that he really would like to help me, but due to dismal ratings and the recent goldmine of Britney Spears, a.k.a. “a disaster on legs,” he is going to be far too busy—besides I was not a celebrity.

I thanked him for his time and was ready to hang up when Dr. Phil decided that, since I took time to make the call, he could talk to me a bit. Dr. Phil started off by saying, "You know I was a linebacker when I played football in my college years."

I replied in the affirmative.

Dr. Phil then said, "You sound like a guy that I could give some straight, harsh and direct plan of action to. Here is what you do, partner. Take a Playboy or Hustler to the bathroom next time you have to go do your business and see if you get excited. Do you think you could do that?"

I replied in the affirmative again.

Then he said, "After this break, we will talk more about the Admiral's problem, and a two step plan to help him figure out what he is feeling and how to beat this on his own."

I interjected that we were in fact on the phone, and not on TV.

Dr. Phil chuckled and said, "Old habits are hard to break."

Then, he continued, "Welcome back y'all. We're here talking about the Man Crush the Admiral has on MoJo. I suggested in our first segment that the Admiral should carry a couple of Playboy or Hustler magazines the next time he was in the bathroom." Dr. Phil continued, "You will do this right?"

Again, I replied in the affirmative. He continued, "Part two of the two step therapy is, I need you when you go back to the shitter, to take a couple of Playgirl magazines in there with you and see what happens. It is my guess that you are under pressure from a rough bunch of bloggers who are not seeing things as clearly as you do."

I gave him my word that I would follow his recommended two step therapy. Before he hung up the phone, Dr. Phil said his staff would call me back at a later time and do a progress check to find out if I needed anymore resources.

Nuff said.

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